Unsolicited advice.. do you give it or get it?

For the last few days I can’t seem to get away from the topic that I so fondly refer to as “Unsolicited Advice.” I have so many people and often at the most random times, giving me unsolicited advice. I never walk around with a look of “oh, I’m single. Oh I’m not married. Oh I’m lonely” but more often than not when people ask me if I am married and I say No or if I am asked how the “guy search” is going and I don’t say anything an unstoppable slew of advice is dumped on me! I am always confused by it and the stern tone in which it is delivered.
A few days ago I was visiting a friend because she was moving away. Our conversation was normal and pleasant until she got on the topic of “how to meet a man.” She’s been married for a few months. She asked me how it was going meeting guys, I just shrugged. I didn’t even have a chance to follow up the shrug with words because she proceeded to advise me on the benefits and success rate of on-line dating. That’s not how she met her husband. However she knows a handful of people who persisted on-line and eventually met their husbands! She actually said to me “I’m only going to tell you this once…” and she literally went on for 15 minutes about different websites how it can take months and months but you have to be persistent. There was nothing wrong with what she said… it was just was out of left field. I didn’t seek her advice or cry on her shoulder about not being married!
I have another friend who asks me “what I’m doing about meeting someone” and when I didn’t divulge my plan she went on and on about what I should do – I should get out there, I should really try hard to meet someone, don’t I want to meet someone, don’t I want to try. I almost lost my cool! All I wanted was a nice, fun filled time with a friend and instead she lectured me on something that was not concern at all!
Maybe some of you are thinking, what kind of friends do I have or that I am putting out a vibe. No, the answer to both of those thoughts is NO. I just think people like to give advice even when not asked for. It’s nice to think that maybe they just want everyone to be happy like they are… but the delivery is so poor you can’t appreciate the intent!
A friend of my family’s was visiting a few years ago and literally out of nowhere she looked at me and sighed and said “you are just NOT trying hard enough.” I tried to say “I am, it’s just not that easy finding someone. Not impossible but things happen when they should.” Instead I got out “I am” and she said “NO you are NOT!” She was not shouting she was vehemently disagreeing. Oh I didn’t know she was privy to every minute of my life and witness to my “man catching” techniques! Apparently she could just look at me and know that I was not taking this seriously nor did I have the right approach. I just shut my mouth and listened.
I find these reactions from people amusing because I can only imagine what they would say if I said, with tears in my eyes Oh! I am dying to be married! It has to happen now! Time is ticking! I am getting older” would they hold my hand through the forest of love until I found my soul mate? Would they scold me for being so needy, toughen me up and send me into the scary world alone? Who knows?! But I can try that approach one day and let you know what happens.
Friends and strangers a like… don’t offer unnecessary advice! Especially when you don’t even listen to what someone is saying and have no idea what they are doing!

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A Million Ways To Meet Someone Special…Thank You Technology (yea right)

in 2013 there are a number of ways you can meet someone. You can be introduced by a friend or family member, you can meet someone at the grocery store, book store, Home Depot, at a bar, on one of many websites, on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn, enroll the help of a matchmaker… the list goes on. Somehow with all this technology and ways to communicate and find, so many women remain single. I suppose that technology cannot improve the quality of people you are meeting. Although some believe quantity will increase your chances of meeting quality. I’m not so sure about that.

Remember mini sasquatch? Well months after i had met him, my parents asked (told) me to sign up on some dating websites to try and meet someone. If people are comfortable with that, more power to them. For me… well it never felt right. However I tried it anyway. No harm in trying right?

So one night – thanks to technology – a friend of mine and I txted each other and perused websites. She had signed on to a few so I logged in and looked around at the prospects. According to one website, the two of us had the same exact matches. There was one guy who stated in his profile that he was looking for a female age 18 – 100. He had no other qualifications or specifications. Is that good? Does that mean he is open to meeting people? Or does that make him a crazy person? I don’t know because I wasn’t going to try and find out. Another guy wrote, actually a few guys wrote how they wanted someone beautiful and pretty. Does that mean beautiful on the inside and pretty on the outside? I doubt it. 

Between the profiles and the way each site worked we were laughing and horrified all at once. I started to search for more dating sites and starting looking to see who was on them. A part of me thought ‘hey you never know maybe we can both find husbands right here and right now.’ Instead I found out that people coudl wink and wave at you on website but not communcate more than that (I’m still trying to figure out what acknowledging someone and never communcating means) and i foiund mini sasquatch. Yes I did!! So after warning my friend by telling her to look at the picture and memorize the name and never meet this guy, i read his profile. Do you know it was exactly the same as what he said. A laundry list of all his loves to do – loves to watch movies, loves broadway shows, loves cooking, loves to work out, loves, loves loves. I guess I give him credit for telling the same lies on websites, in person, on paper… his message is consistent!

My friend and I even cast a very wide net – any race, a large age range, and any place in the continental USA.  There was still very little to choose from. We both said to each other, who are these people stating they have met their spouses online. Who are they? Where are they? Because the pickens were slim! And honestly, a lot of guys looked creepy. 

A million ways to meet someone special… yet it can only make you more frustrated that despite all the ways to meet a great guy, you don’t! 

Sasquatch (Big Foot) Does Exist… He’s A Potential Husband! Part 3

Once I started to get over the shock of him backing out of a concert and not having any explanation for such a dramatic end result, i just started rolling my eyes. Not while he was looking, but when he looked away. I have never rolled my eyes at someone that much and I know it’s childish but I couldn’t help it. And then it started to urk me that he would do something with his mouth. The best way I know how to explain this is.. have you ever seen someone very old who has gums and no teeth and smacks the bottom of his mouth with the top? if you haven’t imagine that… imagine someone with all their teeth in their 30’s doing that! It was honestly so annoying. The way he looked at me was unnerving. He would just stare at me with eyes intent as if his eyes were cyrptonite and would burn right through me! Honestly, it was such an odd stare.

I thought this would be the last time I had to speak with him, see him, listen to his confusing statements of what he liked and loved to do and what he actually did. I am pretty sure my parents thought on paper he was a good match and proceeded to have my brother set up a lunch with him. Joy. Real joy I felt when my brother told me the day and time we were all having lunch. At least my brother was going to be there but geez why did my brother agree to this I thought! (Later on I found out that he thought I wanted to meet this guy again and didn’t know I objected!)

The three of us went to lunch one day and I tried not to enter the situation feeling as if I was completely wasting my time. I couldn’t, so I walked in with my eyes rolling. Literally. He was no different than the first time I met him – you know how sometimes people are a little different because they are more relaxed and sometimes the true them starts to come through more. For him, he was the same. I guess that’s a good thing. We ate our lunch. I don’t think I spoke at all and I couldn’t wait to leave. I must sound like a horrible person. It’s just, he wasn’t a good match for me and I was feeling as if no one thought of me in particular when setting me up. They just thought of a few specifics  – age and education  – and that’s it. If that was all there was too it, then these dating websites woudl not be making so much money and be successful. It woudl be so very simple.

I never spoke to him  after that. (Whew!!!!) However I did see him. A friend of mine and I were going thorugh dating websites and who did i see? Mini sasquatch! His information was his well rehearsed description of himself – loves broadway shows, food, cooking, working out, and wants a humble girl etc. Maybe he thought that with all those loves of life, he would at least be provded the chance to meet someone. Then it was up to them to find out how all those statements were untrue. Who knows. Whether intentional or not he is deceiving and i just hope he deceives no one. Ladies – if you see or meet this guy – beware!!

SASQUATCH (BIG FOOT) DOES EXIST…HE’S A POTENTIAL HUSBAND! PART 2

So we’ve come to realize that mini sasquatch has been to one whole broadway show and found them difficult to follow. He also said that he enjoyed cooking. Naturally, when someone says they enjoy cooking, you ask them what do you like to cook. He said he enjoys cooking all kinds of foods. He also said he didn’t enjoy all types of food and that he just learned how to cook vegetables. In my mind I said “waiiitt a minute. Stop! Explain – you cook all types of food but you don’t enjoy all types of food. That makes no sense. Just like your love of Broadway shows!” The vegetables part had me confused. If you cook a lot for yourself, then what were you eating until now? Protein and well protein?? 

He said that he liked a “humble” girl. I’m sorry, but what does that mean? What is humble? Quiet? Subservient? Lacks confidence? Or did he just mean he had met a ton of snobby women and didn’t want that. Who knows! It’s like saying I want someone who is caring towards me.. isn’t that obvious? Doesn’t everyone want the person they are with to care about them? No one says “I want a real jerk.” Just like no one says “I want a real conceited spouse.” Perhaps one of you can make sense of the humble girl because I surely cannot. 

When the two of us were sitting alone, as we were talking I mentioned that I was fond of music and concerts and had been to quite a few. I was wondering if he like concerts as well. He immediately responded and said “yes!” A very enthusiastic yes, by the way. So I said “ok, what concerts have you been to.” As I spoke those words, I asked myself why I was even asking that question based on his previous answers. I suppose I was just trying to make small talk. He answered, with a smile… no a smirk on his face “There was a Police concert – that’s a band that was big in the 80’s – I was supposed to go to that. (smirk) But… umm.. well.. i backed out at the last minute. (smirk).” I held my breath waiting for the rest of the story.. the dramatic reason why he was unable to attend a great show at the very last minute. Perhaps he was protesting the over charging of concert tickets by sellers. Or maybe he found out the Police didn’t support his favorite charity so he protested and didn’t go! Well, who knows why he “backed out” because that was all he said. 

Who backs out of a concert? A concert? And who says they enjoy something they have never done just almost did?!! At this point I was so annoyed that I was wasting my time talking to someone who completely misrepresented himself. What his bio should have said is “I like to work only as much as I have to, i work out but I love sitting on the couch and watching tv and cooking the same 2 things every day. I do not enjoy entertainment of any sorts. I am, in a nutshell, boring.” And there is nothing wrong with any of that! Just be honest. He wants a humble girl, well we humble girls want an honest guy! 

This isn’t the end of this story yet… stay tuned for part 3! 

Sasquatch (Big Foot) does exist…he’s a potential husband! Part 1

I’m sorry, but if you don’t know me i know how this is going to come across – like I am some judgmental, stuck up woman. I can only tell you I am not… it’s just sometimes there is no polite way to express your experiences. Having said that… let me tell you about Mini Sasquatch.

I don’t know what “nice” person thought I should meet this guy but they based it on the fact that we have a similar educational background and we are close in age. Yes, i am serious that was all. Oh and with a picture and some information about himself which he provided – he likes to workout, cook, watch tv, movies, and enjoys broadway shows! Well that sounded interesting.  I didn’t think “He’s cute” but i didn’t think he was mini sasquatch either. Besides a picture doesn’t mean much to me, I think there is no harm in meeting someone. Give that person a fair chance. After all a picture can be deceiving (for better or for worse and after all he seemed to have a zest for life!

So the meeting was set and he came over one late afternoon. He was ok looking, dressed fine, was lean – so I figured he must truly be into working out – and then i saw it. the hair! it was literally every where in abundance except on his head! he was wearing long sleeves but the hair showing on his arms, literally wrapped all the way around! And his hands were covered in hair. At first I thought I was seeing things, but once he sat down i got to see it. I started to imagine sasquatch. He was mini sasquatch! We ladies spend countless – often times painful – hours that equal years, removing hair! He couldn’t book even 1 laser hair removal session??! Well, i was NOT about to venture into that jungle.

Somehow i let these thoughts simmer in the back of my mind as i paid attention and tried to stay present in the moment and listen. My Dad and brother started asking questions based on the information he had given about his likes and about him. My Dad prefaced one question by explaining to him how i worked long hours and often brought work home and asked him what his work hours were like. He explained how he never left work late… oh no wait he did.. once! yes, once. But other than that he left work on time, at 5pm. Because his commute was so long, one hour. So by the time he got home he just wanted to sit and watch tv, a lot of tv. because he liked watching tv, a lot.

I thought, every person i know that works out religiously, does not watch a lot of tv. So that didn’t make sense. Lets not even talk about the fact that working 9-5 in a position that didn’t require manual labor and didn’t seem to be much mind labor was exhausting for him! He was starting to sound like a really laid back person, really laid back. My brother asked him about his love of broadway shows and what shows he had seen. He said… oh by the way, you know how an old person with no teeth smacks their gums together before speaking, well he did that, with teeth! He said ‘Yes, i really enjoy broadway shows. My family was visiting once and they wanted to see a NYC Broadway show. We stood in line for tickets for hours and hours to get tickets. I couldn’t believe it. We got tickets for The Lion King and i must say, Broadway is nothing like tv. For example, when you watch tv you can day dream and still know what’s going on but not with a Broadway show. You blink and you think what jsut happened! you realllly have to pay close attention.” Awkward yet hopeful silent pause as we thought perhaps his story woudl continue. ANd he did “they are very well put together and you see the time it takes to put the show together. Yes, i did enjoy it.” another pause… he had to have more to say. How do you say you enjoy broadway shows if you have only been to one, because your family wanted to go and you found them hard to follow??!! Just say, i went once and I would go again. or just omit that piece of information from your resume.

Hope you enjoyed Part 1… more to come about Mini Sasquatch! Coudn’t fit it all in 1 post!

Who said holidays were off limits when searching for Mr. Right?!

Most Memorial Day Weekends are meant to remember all those who have served our country, maybe go to the beach, or have a barbecue. However, it seems that it’s also a time to get married and continue searching for a husband. I went to a wedding and a good friend of mine continued her arduous search for a husband. My wedding was simple and uneventful. That means no one tried to set me up with someone or ask me what my marital status was. Instead I sat back and watched someone become the target for (are you ready for this) a friend’s friend’s nephew how was single and ready to mingle looking for wifey! Ok, so no one said it like that but well that was the gist of it. Somehow I was the only one who thought poor her. Everyone else seemed to think they were doing her and this guy a huge favor… they have never been in those shoes. So they couldn’t understand.

Not so far away, a good friend of mine was off to meet a potential husband! She told me he was “normal.” Normal is the first item on the check list and isn’t that unfortunate. But that is what meeting people has come to – you want normal more than anything else. She said they got to talk but it’s now Wednesday and she hasn’t heard from the guy nor has anyone from his family called hers. It’s like going on an interview and not knowing if there is even a chance! Just say something so she knows maybe, yes, or no. So now she is left to wonder what he thought of her. I know that usually when you meet someone for the first time and you never hear from them, it’s apparent they didn’t like you enough to talk to you again. And I know no one is going to say “Hey, before you go let me give you my opinion of you and the possibility of you and I.”

Maybe in a perfect world we’d have clearer answers, even constructive criticism! I told her not to worry because the right guy would want to talk to her again and to forget the rest. Of course, I am giving this encouraging talk to a friend who was once rejected… of a picture that wasn’t even her! I’ll have to tell you that story some time.

Hopefully most of you enjoyed a fun, carefree holiday weekend. Those of you single ladies… well we get it!

The man (husband) hunt begins (began, goes on) with red roses…

I was raised in a moderately conservative Southeast Asian family. The only reason why this detail is important is that you will hear me talk a lot about introductions. SIngle people are quite often introduced to a suitor by friends, family, friends of friends, strangers, and psuedo match makers. This first meeting will often take place at your house, with your parents and any siblings there. Many of you may be shocked or horrified or just plain afraid  thinking of having to meet “the family” so soon. I think it’s a great way to see what everyone thinks about each other. After all, when you are in a serious relationship, you have to deal with family. Better to know from day 1, that fall in love with someone and only find out after that just how… well colorful their family is. Despite your reactions to my view and the idea of meeting the family from day 1, it’s another important detail for you to know so that my stories make more sense.

Everyone can remember the first person they dated and I can remember the first person i was introduced to. Not because it was so memorable (no offense to said guy) but because it was the first. I was still in college and home for the weekend. My parents said “friends” were coming over. My sixth sense said there was more to it than that.

When the guy, his Dad and brother arrived, my parents casually introduced me. There were red roses on the side table in the living room. My Mom smiled and told me “Those are for you!” She seemed overjoyed, after all what Mom doesn’t want her daughter to find someone great to be married to. Me, on the other hand, thought “this guy doesn’t know me, why on Earth woudl be bring red roses? Who does that? And frankly who cares?!!” and i said outloud “oh, really!” and turned to the guy and said “Thank you.” I really hope my face didn’t tell him what I was really thinking and probably not becase everyone smiled back and he said “you’re welcome.”

I didn’t engage in a conversation with this guy because 1. As open and honest i have always been, I tend to be shy with new people 2. The red roses gesture was like a thorn in my side, an unanswered question 3. I didn’t walk around looking and talking to guys only as possible husbands, and my actions reflected that.

When they left, my Mom seemed a little happier. She had a glimmer of hope in her eyes along with that anticipation yoiu have when you are waiting to hear back from a job you really want, or from a college you are dying to go to. I loved seeing that in her.

I never wondered what the guy had to say about me and meeting my family after that day but a long time after that my Mom told me what happened. The Dad spoke to my Dad (yes that happens a lot too) and said that they thought I was spoiled and that the son wouldn’t be able to afford the lifestyle I wanted. My Mom was just sad about it because they were “so nice” she said. I on the other hand thought “How do they know I’m spoiled? I didn’t do or say anything that a spoiled person would. And how judgemental! How judgemental of them!! They assume how I wanted to live and what I expected from a man without asking me a single question. Better to be without someone that insecure and superficial.” I was annoyed by their judgement because they hadn’t gotten to know me, to understand me. They just made a huge decision based on facts, like facts on a resume. I understand that finances effect relationships quite seriously, at the age of 21, well it was a blow to my optimistic self!

And that is how my road to meeting Mr. Right began. And somewhere along the way, it became a hunt, a non-stop search, dare I say an obsession. Not for me, but for everyone around me. Even strangers around me. How did this massive man hunt begin? It began well over a decade ago, well over it. How many frogs have I met… countless. And you are going to get to know so many of them, from the past and as they happen now.

To all of you searching, may your journey be entertaining if nothing more!

. So the first time i experienced this, I was still in college and my parents didn’t tell me what was happening. Although my sixth sense caught on right away.